In the exhibit hall at the 1984 ACB summer convention, a new company was born: Sensory Overload Inc. For those of you not familiar with Sensory Overload, their products seem appropriate only on April Fool's Day. A selection of these products has graced the Raised Dot Computing Newsletter each April since 1985.
Taken together, these product listings help us remember many of the products which have since fallen by the wayside. To make this compilation more useful, we have added contemporary comments enclosed in brackets ([ and ]) to explain or amplify some of the references which are more obscure today. Enjoy.
4/1/85, Madison WI: Recognizing that there are simply not enough companies out there to serve the enormous market of visually handicapped consumers, Raised Dot Computing is floating bonds for the establishment of Sensory Overload, Inc. Their slogan says it all: "Our Products Speak for Themselves - So Quit Bothering Us!" [At the time, the Maryland Computer Services slogan was "Our Products Speak for Themselves, and We Stand Behind What They Say."] SOI plans to be everything for everyone; to test the waters, we are presenting some items that will appear in the first Sensory Overload Catalog.
Life Without Fingertips, by David Furlow. [David Furlow is a take on David Holladay, the "flounder" of Raised Dot Computing.] In a shameless publicity move, our founder has decided to capitalize on the bizarre circumstances that have rocketed him into his current position as a mass marketeer of goods for the blind. Searching for clues to JFK'S assassination in the sub-sub-basements of MIT proved to be excellent experience for his current career, although some people find it hard to believe that anyone who blew up his left hand with Chinese gunpowder while living in Beirut (Lebanon) at age 14 could be a very good writer. [A true description of David's life.] Prove it to yourself. Buy this book.
Do you come home with tired fingers? Sensory Overload, Inc. has a new product for persons overburdened with sensory aids. NursaBraille features mentholated dots. The service contract is void unless you use this device only on fingers. [From Caryn Navy. NursaBraille is a take on the VersaBraille.]
Don't get behind in your work! You need the MY-BOSS, the user-programmable combination electric seat cushion and appointment calendar. Two modes of operation have successfully cured even the worst procrastinators. For routine appointments, set the MY-BOSS for a 60-cycle buzz. For major events (thesis defense, marriage, bankruptcy hearings), switch into the "Asstral Mode", guaranteed to get you rearing to go. [From Jesse Kaysen. The name MY-BOSS comes from the M-BOSS embosser.]
We now have a classroom aid of special interest to those blind teachers who do not use the blackboard. In high fidelity stereo, the CHALKMAN reproduces the sound of squeaky chalk. The next time your supervisor asks how you do all the things that the sighted teachers do, you can show off your Chalkman. This handy product is the size of a pack of cigarettes. We discourage use of the CHALKMAN with head phones for disciplinary purposes. [From Caryn Navy. The name CHALKMAN comes from the WALKMAN, a general market product, and from the TALKMAN, a line of tape recorders for NLS-format tapes.]
Do you harbor a secret fear that you are systematically short changed in the modern world? Then you need OPTACOIN! It beeps once for a penny, five times for a nickel, ten times for a dime, 25 times for a quarter; it emits a pleasant low tone when presented with a Susan B. Anthony dollar. [From David Holladay. The OPTACOIN is a take on the Opticon.]
Sensory Overload has reviewed the existing market and recognizes that all the devices out there confuse and befuddle the poor blind consumer. We have therefore created an integrated tool for your many needs. We call it the TRAPS package-- the Total Replacement for All Prosthetics. While it is still in the design stage, we can announce some of its many functions: it walks, it talks, it brailles, it tapes, it computes, it sings in harmony, it types, it reads, it walks your dog, it answers the phone, and it automatically debits your accounts to pay for itself and its many service contracts. As an optional feature, it repossesses itself. [At the time, RDC sold the Cranmer embosser, BRAILLE-EDIT, and Echo as the "TAPS Package."]
Sensory Overload is very proud to provide an extremely specialized tool for blind musicians and composers. It takes input in braille music notation and then generates a full score of print sheet music. It will also use this input to conduct a full symphony orchestra. Don't delay! We are taking orders for the long awaited MaestroBrailler! [From Caryn Navy. The name MaestroBrailler comes from the MicroBrailler, a short-lived competitor to the VersaBraille.]
Does navigating in tricky areas occasionally leave you feeling lost and wondering "now what? Sensory Overload has an electronic answer to your mobility problems. With great precision our device monitors your frustration level. When you are at your breaking point, the Now What Sensor sounds an alarm and flashes its lights. Sighted passers-by will rush to your aid. The deluxe model of the Now What Sensor also sends out a signal on police and marine radio frequencies. [From Caryn Navy. The Now What Sensor is a take on the Mowat Sensor, a travel aid made in New Zealand.]
We're pleased to have become a distributor for the triumph of Genuine Intelligence, the Katzenjammer Reading Machine. For only $36,000, a single-minded member of the multi-talented Katzenjammer family will move into your home. He or she will stay close by your side, and will read aloud absolutely every document you hand to him or her. A lifetime of companionship--at least until the warranty expires. [A mean dig on the Kurzweil Reading Machine.]
And last, but certainly not least: Sensory Overload, Inc. is well aware that blind people are now rising in the world of corporate management. They do not want to be a security liability for their Fortune 500 employers.
BRAILLE-SHREDDIT is a multi-media work processor. It is able to cleanly and completely destroy regular print, large print, braille, audio and VersaBraille cassettes, and, of course, diskettes. For a nominal extra fee, we have available a "back-processor" which gives the power of hindsight to blind and sighted alike. [From Caryn Navy. BRAILLE-SHrEDDIT is a take on RDC's own BRAILLE-EDIT software.]
For anyone eager to send Purchase Orders for any of the thrilling items outlined above, do check the dateline on this article, and enjoy.
April 1, 1986--Madison WI: Following up on the tremendous sales generated from last year's announcements, we're certain that there's yet more unmet demand for the finest in sensory aids equipment. Sensory Overload, Inc. is dedicated to providing visually impaired people and their rehab counselors with something to do; in fact, their slogan is: "Right or wrong, we do stuff!"
Attention guide dog owners--are you fed up with hearing "Gee, I thought they only used German Shepherds!" from sighted people on the bus and on the street? Owners of Labs, Goldens, Boxers, Dalmatians, and all other equally useful guide hounds, weary of snappy comebacks--Sensory Overload has listened, again. The soft, flexible Rudolph-Shepherd Act is easily slipped over your dog's head and torso. The Rudolph-Shepherd Act instantly provides the Aryan look so many sighted people have come to expect. On rainy days, you will also appreciate its weatherproof all-latex construction. Manufactured by the same folks who have outfitted Santa's reindeer for 50 years. The nane Rudolph-Shepherd Act for this German Shepherd costume for your dog comes from the Randolph-Shepard Act, legislation giving preference to blind vendors.]
How often have you waited endlessly when dining in restaurants? Have you had to rely on sighted others to grab the attention of serving personnel? Fume no more! Our low-cost device, the CAP-U-SERVE beanie, comes equipped with a blaze orange flag. Activated by an easily concealed trigger mechanism, CAP-U-SERVE guarantees to make you the center of attention. [From Gayle Yarnall. The name CAP-U-SERVE comes from CompuServe.]
Based on a proven design, SOI is now shipping a revolutionary new reading and writing system for the blind. The Slate 'n Stylus II applies the concentrated power of compressed air to one of 64 stainless steel dies, making excellent quality braille dots. The dies weigh a mere 18 ounces each; the portable air compressor (supplied with an attractive carrying case, simulated leatherette-like carrying handle available at modest extra charge, and recharger) is a feather-light 28 pounds.
For traditionalists who need to emboss Dymo tape, Sensory Overload also carries the original, Slate'n'Stylus Classic. Using the high quality teak and silver stylus, every braille cell can be quickly and accurately embossed through the intervention of smart fingers. Service contracts are also available. [From David Holladay. This is a fairly mean take on the announcement of the VersaBraille II, which many regarded as inferior to the original VersaBraille.]
Are you fed up with washing and scrubbing without any guidance or feedback? We now have a handy aid which attaches to mop, sponge, and squeegee. Speak and Span directs you to the closest stain, and announces when you have successfully removed it. [From Caryn Navy. The name Speak and Span comes from Spic 'n Span.]
Many manufacturers have insulted the sensibilities of computer users with talk of their so-called "flat computers" and "flat screens." Now Sensory Overload introduces the Apple 2d, the truly two-dimensional computer. Tucked between the pages of a book, it is handy for traveling and also difficult for burglars to find. [The Apple 2c could fit in a briefcase.]
Sensory Overload finally has the answer to your disk copying needs. Our new copying program will copy any disk. To avoid copyright violation, ReversiCopy copies each file backwards--it puts the last character first and the first one last. [We still distribute an Apple II disk copy program called DiversiCopy.]
Personal Restroom-Identifying Vibratory Yagi is the urgently needed device for the blind traveller on the go. Attracted to the smell of a broad range of commonly-used disinfectants, the PRIVY alerts you to the goal with a subtle twinge on your thigh. Upon entering into the throne room, however, the PRIVY's utility is not over. Clever voice output circuits allow you to locate the flusher handle and toilet paper roll. The Deluxe Model also reads the grafitti on the stall walls, allowing access to a wealth of information not available from your local agency for the blind.
Sensory Overload has been proud as punch to distribute the multi-media work processor BRAILLE-SHREDDIT for the past four years. We're even prouder to announce that, after several unavoidable delays, we're shipping the improved version: SHREDDIT-UP-XPRESS, better known as SHUX. SHUX does everything BRAILLE-SHREDDIT did, and more. SHUX can totally ruin regular print, large print, braille, audio and VersaBraille cassettes, and, of course, both 5-1/4" and 3-1/2" diskettes. SHUX has three levels: Lacerator, Obliterator and Mangler, to make learning work processing a joy. When your aim is to frustrate and annoy rather than conceal or destroy, several of SHUX's new features will delight you. "Contextual Erase" lets you trash characters selectively, based on their environment. Speedy typists will love the "Sloppy Chapter." [We came out with BEX, BRAILLE-EDIT Xpress, with many features lampooned here.]
We hope you have enjoyed these selections from our catalog. Regrettably, we can not accept Purchase Orders at this time, since no items herein advertised are yet under production. Have a nice April.
The technicians of Artificial Intelligence have invaded the domain of video high tech. The result is a voice output device, similar in size to a VCR, that also accepts a video input signal. The PlotBuster analyzes the video image and gives you a running commentary, allowing you full access to the subtleties of today's sophisticated TV programming. Included with this device is the remarkable SCAT (Soap Crisis and Adultery Totaller) screen review software that quickly provides you with a weekly summary of developments in your favorite afternoon or evening "adult dramas." [From Caryn Navy. This is a take on the SlotBuster, a speech product for the Apple II computer with many options made by RC Systems. This was before Descriptive Video Service became available.]
Last year, we introduced the PRIVY device which located public restrooms and then read the graffiti located therein. As evidenced by consumer complaints, the device was a flop. Further market research determined that there was only interest in its second feature. So, responding to public demand, Sensory Overload introduces the Stall Talk. A totally portable, self-contained device, Stall Talk can decipher both cryptic text and, with the optional braille display, graphics. [The name Stall Talk comes from the Small Talk, a portable computer sold by Computer Aids Corporation, and Tall Talk, a product for the Apple II.]
How many times has this happened to you: You're at a bus stop, movie theater, close-out sale, box office, or other event where sighted people are waiting in line. You get disoriented and blunder into the middle of the patient multitudes, engendering groans and grumbles. Sensory Overload has designed a complex electronic gizmo that helps you find the end of the line. Small enough to nestle softly in your ear, the Queue-Tip ensures that you will find your place.
1986 has been a very busy year for the introduction of new braillers, and Sensory Overload does not want to be left out. That's why we're announcing the Juliet brailler. Low in cost, enclosed in a sturdy case, it can be counted on to make wonderful braille, with one exception. When the Juliet must share a balcony with a competing unit, the two braillers just spout iambic pentameter at each other. [This was around the time of the introduction of the Romeo. This was years before Enabling Technologies actually came out with the Juliet Brailler. Sensory Overload lawyers are still trying to collect on the use of an SOI trademark.]
Many people forget the device which established Sensory Overload in this field: the NursaBraille. With its mentholated dots, the NursaBraille was a leader in aiding people with vision impairments to cope with over-stimulation. Continuing our pioneering tradition, we're proud to be introducing a hard-copy version. The NursaPoint has the most soothing dots in the industry. In fact, we offer a full one-year guarantee: the NursaPoint will put you in a state of Bliss. [This is a take on the VersaPoint, and on Dr. Bliss, the president of TeleSensory.]
Sensory Overload's highest-priced product helps you serve your guests at your next social gathering. Mr. Cart is a computer-controlled, modularly-designed, mobile serving terminal. Mr. Cart can really give you a break at parties. Load it up with CHEX Party Mix and you have a cereal port. Stand back in awe as Mr. Cart serves everyone sitting on a couch--otherwise known as auto linefeed. The even parity feature ensures that no-one takes too much. The bawd rate monitor helps you pinpoint just who is telling those dirty jokes. Mr. Cart--don't stay home without it. [When we travel to conventions, we use a luggage cart that we call "Mr. Cart."]
Pity the poor blind computer jock, stuck all alone at his IBM-PC. The problem with computer jocks is that they just don't know how to communicate with regular people. Wouldn't it be nice if someone came up with a translation package to help the benighted computer jock close the gap? Well, Sensory Overload has done it again, with Hot Dates, the software product for the socially impaired. The computer jock enters ASCII into his system, and Hot Dates swiftly and accurately translates this into a language understandable by his non-computer-cursed peers. But of course, one-way translation is not enough, since Hot Dates almost guarantees the widening of the user's social circle. That's why Hot Dates also features a back-translator, so humans can finally communicate with the computer-obsessed. (The censors won't let us describe Hot Dates' other main function, Global Embrace.) [This is a take on RDC's Hot Dots braille translation program and its Global Replace feature.]
And last, but certainly not least, Sensory Overload is ready to bust the educational market wide open with software aimed to serve the thousands of visually impaired children in the schools. Even kids with no computing experience can quickly learn how to make ContriVEX generate compelling excuses for missing homework and the like. ContriVEX supports large print and braille excuses, in your choice of literary or textbook format, providing mainstreamed visually impaired children educational equality with their sighted peers. [This is a take on RDC's TranscriBEX software.]
With the conviction that the Laser Cane falls short of its title, Sensory Overload introduces the Ultimate Laser Cane. A high concentration laser beam clears the way in front of the blind traveller. It melts snow, it melts pavement, and it allows you to plow through storefronts and high-rise buildings unscathed. [From David Goldstein.]
Sensory Overload presents Cafeteria Experience Xpress, better known as CEX. This portable machine and attendant software makes it a pleasure to wind your way through the buffet of your choice. CEX tells you what's in the dishes, where to find the utensils to serve your own food and finally, where to arrange your food on your plate by using the clock method. CEX even double-checks the cash register totals and verifies the cash you use to pay the bill. [From Dan Marshall.]
The aspiring blind birdwatcher has long felt deprived, but no longer! Not with BEAKS, the bird processor. With the aid of this device and our special outdoor line of speech synthesizers, the Echo or the Cricket, you can receive audible bird identification at distances not quite equaling those offered by the naked eye. No more memorizing bird calls! [From Dean Martineau.]
The problems of the independent blind mariner have been solved, too. DECK-Talk gives you complete information about any object you have collided with, whether above or below the waterline, and in your choice of five well-synthesized voices! [From Dean Martineau.]
From An Annony Mouse: Away with all the hoopla over whether a text editor is WYSIWYG or not WYSIWYG. Peek-a-Boo Corp. announces the wave of the future: the NYSINYD editor! Why debate whether What You See Is What You Get when you can have the best of both worlds with Now You See It Now You Don't? This is better than that hot product of a decade ago, the Autogate Tape Eraser. That primitive machine required user intervention to erase selected portions of tape. But the new NYSINYD editor is so advanced that it erases portions of your text totally at random, ALL BY ITSELF!!! Days or months later, when you've retyped all that text you thought was lost, it can magically reappear in an unrelated file!
Supplies are limited, so order your NYSINYD editor today. Act extra-quickly to receive a special limited edition that not only randomly erases portions of your text, but blanks out portions of your favorite programs as well! Amaze your favorite computer repair-person! Contact:
Peek-a-Boo Corp.
x000 Shady Lane
Dxllsville, Mx, 985xx UxA
Phone: 31x-55x-5xxx
[From Andrea Botts, who wrote the TranscriBEX Manual. This was based on a brief project to expand Hot Dots by adding an editor.]
Sensory Overload has yet another candidate for the crowded speech access software field: the Siskel & Ebert Screen Review Program. Siskel & Ebert has many unique features. It uses two voices which argue with each other. It does all that you expect of a screen review program, and it also judges the software you're using. It is the first screen review program designed to work well with Meryl, Streep Electronics' voice synthesizer that lets you choose between many different accents. It does columns, but only in Chicago.
There are a lot of portable braille notetakers around. For those who are old-fashioned, we have created Punch 'n Speak, a slate and stylus with voice output. We originally announced this product as the Voice-a-Braille, but another firm objected. (They thought that, in the New York City area, this name would be confused with their product name.)
Sensory Overload Inc. is proud to announce a revolutionary new concept in learning systems: the Squawk-to-Me Tutorials. These friendly, self-paced audio lessons painlessly lead you through the use of Bird Perfect, Bird Star, and PC-Flight, as well as the screen review program Flapper. In addition to a human narrator, the Squawk-to-Me Tutorials use Avian Alice, who speaks through DUCKtalk.
Visually impaired diplomats around the world are excited by Sensory Overload's latest entry in the wide-open brailler market. The Embossador brailles on erasable Magic Slate paper, so you no longer need to bring SHUX (or even BRAILLE-SHREDDIT) on your tricky diplomatic missions. While in its quiet mode, the Embossador does not disturb meetings. But in its noisy mode, it confuses even the most sophisticated bugging device. [It was revealed that the American embassy in Moscow was bugged by the KGB, and that diplomats were communicating crucial secrets with the Magic Slate Children's toy].
Blind graduates from schools of education have always encountered stiff discrimination in landing that first teaching job. Sighted administrators often object that a blind teacher can't be an effective test proctor. Sensory Overload to the rescue! The Sneakqualizer gives you parity with sighted teachers when monitoring quizzes and exams. Small enough to slip into your pocket, the Sneakqualizer has several modes. Especially for high school teachers, "Teen Review" provides, through a discreet earphone, a running commentary on all your students' behavior. In its default "Guile-Talk" mode, the Sneakqualizer delivers a stern lecture whenever it recognizes cheating going on. You can also choose the "Squirm-Talk" mode, where the Sneakqualizer issues random warnings, keeping all your students on their best behavior. And when the time of reckoning at last approaches, the "ClassAXE" option swiftly dispenses punishment tailored to the crime. [Too many puns: Sneakqualizer is Speakqualizer, Teen Review is Screen Review, Guile-Talk is File Talk, Squirm-Talk is Term Talk. The last two were products of Computer Aids Corporation.]
Finally, Sensory Overload Inc. announces the ULTIMATE upgrade: BUX version 3000. This greatly improved program runs on all computers ever manufactured or marketed. Thanks to its ASHRAM drives BUX puts you in software nirvana. To obtain BUX, send in your first-born child as proof of your desire to upgrade, plus wire Sensory Overload the contents of your entire bank account. [This was a take on our expensive BEX 3.0 upgrade.]
Sensory Overload is proud to announce a new low-vision magnifier: the Lug 'n Look. This truly portable, state-of-the-art device weighs only 3000 pounds. It fits in the cargo bay of a Boeing 747 and is immediately accessible at the touch of a tool kit. How can we make this device so portable? Well, the key is its new combination legs and rollers, which allow any low vision user, once installed, to move freely about the room, scarcely noticing that they are inside the Lug 'n Look. Finally a sensory aids device you don't have to carry: it carries you!
There has been a lot written recently about financing adaptive technology, but when your VR counselor says, "NO, Never!" you are in a real jam. Ollie South's Financing Sensory Aid Technology by Selling Military Technology will get you out of the jam, and into the techno-heaven we all know awaits the eager reader. In step-by-step fashion, you are told how to pursue the two tracks for financing your techno budget. The first approach is to simply sell military secrets of your own country to any interested buyer. The second is selling selected high-tech military hardware to banana republics, repressive regimes, lunatic leaders of the third world, or any of the general global background of terrorist organizations. This is really a trick that is too good to waste on the deposed national guard of has-been dictators. Why should the visually impaired be barred from this growing opportunity? Along with a captivating text, Mr. South has included several important appendices. One is a long listing of stirringly patriotic catch phrases you can use to justify your actions to potential backers. In the unlikely event that you are ever publicly called to task for your activities, this vocabulary serves you well in Congressional testimony. Another lists the private addresses and phone numbers of deposed dictators, unpopular regimes, and bonzo charismatic leaders of all political preferences. Even Idi Amin! (We bet you thought he had dried up! Buy the book and you'll know where to find him.) Available in large print, braille, or diskette; please specify if you desire self-destruct medium. All for just $19.95; funds must be drawn on a Swiss bank, or be provided in small, unmarked bills.
How many times has this happened to you? It is late at night, you have to read another chapter of your textbook on tape for tomorrow morning's class, and you drift off to sleep. You jerk awake at 3 a.m. in a panic: not only do you have to listen to the material again, but you must waste precious minutes figuring out at which point you fell asleep. No more! Now there is the SOI WakeMan with its exclusive variable sleep control. If you nod off while the WakeMan is in recreational reading mode, it quietly turns off the tape so you can pick up where you left off in the morning. On the other hand, in its study mode, when the WakeMan senses that you have fallen asleep, it emits a resounding wake alert (based on technology developed for the 1812 Overture), rewinds the tape a bit, and resumes reading. [From Caryn Navy. The name SOI Wakeman comes from SONY Walkman.]
Have you ever wanted to travel somewhere else within minutes? Now you can with Faxi-Cab, the latest in telecommunications/travel technology. Simply step into the high-tech scanning booth and within minutes you walk out of the reconstruction booth on the other end of the telecommunications channel. This amazing advance makes all other forms of transportation obsolete. Warning: excessive use of Faxi-Cab can lead to double vision and fuzzy thinking. Faxi-Cab won't allow you to travel when you're toting copyrighted material or copy-protected software.
Sensory Overload dives into the New School of Screen Access Utilities. In addition to the new voice devices--the Swimphonix, the Cod-apter, and the Accent Minnow, there's that oft-announced product, TroutSpoken. But SOI is not content to float on its laurels. That's why we're introducing Flounder, the screen access program for the powerless user. These underachievers often feel their survival in the computer world has been due to luck, not skill, and Flounder is the program for them. Flounder is the ultimate in simplicity--it has no commands. Simply load the program with one of your big-name applications and Flounder wriggles its way around RAM, doing as it pleases. When an application demands a response, Flounder flops on its side and hustles on to the next screen or menu.
And for deviant, sneaky, and competitive users, SOI offers Red Herring. This software is better than turning off your monitor, because Red Herring simulates a real application on screen while you're too busy doing something else. You too can fool your boss or teacher with a realistic screen from WordPerfect or Lotus while you actually play Blackjack or write Dear Diary. Throw your office competitors way off course with Red Herring's genuine schematics, equations, and text editor while you secretly work away on your take-over plans. And for those darn sighted busybodies who've learned to understand synthesized speech, you can use Red Herring's Grade 2 Whale translator to encode all output.
Warren Figueiredo, noted Louisiana jokester/transcriber, had to let us know about this product: Sensory Overload is proud to announce TranscriBUCKS, the income generator produced exclusively for blind persons. Merely enter the country code, denomination, and amount needed in a file, run it through the MAKE$ process, and you're ready to produce legal tender in convenient sorted stacks. Our customers rave--just listen to these comments: "TranscriBUCKS has really changed what it means to be blind," a user in Maryland. "My caseload was completely wiped out after our clients acquired TranscriBUCKS skills," a former rehab counselor in Tacoma. "My sighted friends seem to notice me now that I use TranscriBUCKS," a former recluse in Miami. "With your program I was able to build a new home to hold my reading machines, computers, printers and all that other stuff I've just purchased," a hacker in Hackensack. [From Warren Figueiredo. This is a take on RDC's TranscriBEX program for the Apple II, which actually uses a file called MAKE$.]
SOI is bursting with pride that it has introduced to the American market the talking kitchen aid that has taken Australia by storm: the Paprika A4. This amazing device is your cooking buddy. You enter the recipe on the handy spill-proof keyboard, and it tells you what to do next in real time. When you insert the spice probe into your dish, the Paprika A4 tells you what needs to be added. Its omnipotent database keeps track of your kitchen inventory and your social schedule and tells you when to go shopping and what to buy. An optional software module prints up a map of your local supermarket indicating where to find each item. One drawback for most Americans is that the Paprika A4 insists on using Australian slang. For example, it says "pavlova" for a meringue dessert; "chook" for chicken; "barbie" for barbecue; and "sink a few tubes" for drinking a lot. The Paprika A4 runs on an AC adapter, battery power, or Vegamite sandwiches. [From Caryn Navy. This is a take on the Eureka A-4, a feature-rich portable speech device made in Australia. The speech output had an Australian sound to it, and many Americans had trouble understanding it.]
Frank Furlough, President of Sensory Overload, is pleased to announce the planned merger of Sensory Overload and Gadgets 'R Us, two of the largest suppliers of inappropriate technology for the world market. When grudgingly roused from constant contemplation of his combination electronic datebook, hexadecimal calculator, dog-walker, and toilet-bowl-cleaner, Furlough grumbled: "we believe that this merger will benefit both companies. Sensory Overload is well known as the foremost manufacturer of useless technology for the visually impaired. Gadgets 'R Us is the leader in overpriced, microprocessor-controlled toys 'n trinkets for the sighted market. By combining the complementary weaknesses of the two companies, we feel we can increase the spiral of overpriced technology for all people with and without vision impairments. After all, getting an ordinary product, such as a scale, a toaster, or a Coke machine to talk is the hallmark of gadgetry these days. Sensory Overload, with its outstanding line of talking products, is a natural partner."
Furlough continued: "It is time to dispel the nasty rumors that have been flying about our merger. This merger will not lead to lower prices, since we've found the marketplace does not respect inexpensive products. The combined company is not planning on modifying the Salad Shooter to emit BB pellets in an attempt to increase our consumer base. And we have not been using our new TranscriBUCKS software to raise the needed capital to finance the deal." [From David Holladay. This is a cruel rewrite of the TeleSensory/V-TEK merger announcement.]
The Frankenstone [a take on Arkenstone] is our new reading machine developed for us in the laboratories of Dr. Frankenstone in Germany. Other companies tout their products' artificial intelligence, but they seem to be digging in the wrong places. The Frankenstone system includes Trackula, a combination hand scanner and tracking aid. The sensitive fingers on the hand scanner make Frankenstone the only reading machine that can read braille as well as print, letting you preserve your braille documents on disk. Frankenstone has the unique ability to read words written in blood. It also does its best work in the dark. With this remarkable new reading machine, you can really sink your teeth in and get your reading done. [From Phyllis Herrington. We forgot to mention that the Frankenstone uses the best digital technology.]
We at Sensory Overload know that healthy customers are the best customers. To make sure that the products you buy have the oat bran that's claimed, you need oatSPOKEN [a take on outSPOKEN]. When you point oatSPOKEN at an object, it tells you how many grams of oat bran it detects for the serving size you punch in. Does Common Sense Oat Bran really have twice as much oat bran as oatmeal? The answer is now at your fingertips. Cruise down the cereal aisle at the supermarket and listen for a bingo. [From Caryn Navy. Oat bran was the big health craze at the time.]
Do you worry about all the braille paper you send to the land fill? Are you spending too much money on braille paper? Sensory Overload is proud to help you reuse braille paper with DotBuster [a pun on the SlotBuster]. DotBuster crushes braille dots so effectively that you cannot tell they were ever there. What if you have torn the braille pages apart from each other but you need continuous form braille paper? No problem. Just use the Zip Pages Menu [a reference to BEX's Z - Zip to Page Menu command]. You can zip pages together and zip the perfs back on. So don't throw away those perfs. Of course, you must use our special Sensory Overload braille paper with zippers on the edges. [From Caryn Navy.]
Are you overloaded with sensory aids? You are a highly efficient, high-powered, high energy user of sensory aids. You have a talking clock, a talking laptop personal computer, perhaps talking medical instruments, a refreshable braille display device, and a reading machine or braille printer. All of this equipment is supposedly portable, but have you ever tried to carry it all? Consider just the weight of the batteries. Then add in a tape recorder or two ... Whew!
Well, now, Sensory Overload comes to the rescue! The BackBuster is a space age titanium frame for all of your portable devices. It is completely modular, allowing you to customize its shelves and bays to fit your individual equipment. The BackBuster comes in two basic configurations. Most of you are familiar with the standard homo sapiens model. The new K9 model is based on a Native American design but updated with space-age materials. Your dog guide will love it!
If you have a particularly large number of high powered devices, you may wish to obtain the Starship Enterprise option. This handy feature does away with heavy batteries and chargers altogether! Starship radiation is beamed directly onto the lightweight dish antenna attachment, powering all of your equipment as needed. The antenna is conveniently and fashionably styled as a hat. With the BackBuster, you can take your equipment to places no equipment has gone before. [From Mark Dubnick.]
Maxwell Smart, one of the founders of Sensory Overload Incorporated, recently announced at a press conference that he expects a large financial settlement from Intel Corporation. Maxwell Smart said, "Their entire product line, the 8086, the 80286, 80386, and the 80486, is based on 86, which is my number." Although we have never before publicized Maxwell Smart's relationship with Sensory Overload, astute observers have noted that the technology of Control and Kaos is the basis of many Sensory Overload products. Many experts do not expect Smart to prevail in court, noting the failure of the lawsuit on behalf of his wife over the IRS form 1099.
Sensory Overload has a new talking disk operating system for the PC that communicates in natural language. To install this system, you remove the computer's mother board and replace it with a grandmother board. In response to your commands (and sometimes without any prompting at all), the Jewish Grandmother Disk Operating System says things like: "For this you bought a big hard disk?"; "Oy! I'm almost out of memory!"; "You mean a nice boy like you doesn't have a girl friend?"; "You mean a nice girl like you doesn't have a boy friend?"; "I have had so many voltage spikes this week. Is this any way to treat me?"; and "You have been working here for hours. You need to eat!". Some users have complained that even when they unplug their computer, it says, "Oy! So when are you even going to say hello to me? Is that so much to ask for?"
Sensory Overload has joined the gene splicing revolution. Their first product is a series of giant kangaroos that can hold blind passengers in their pouches. Blind travelers are impressed at the giant kangaroos' ability to jump over dangerous intersections. Transportation officials have expressed alarm at the prospect of 25-foot kangaroos using public transportation. Meanwhile, officials at the Disabled Olympics are discussing whether blind pole vaulters can use this new technology.
We at Sensory Overload are pleased to announce our new service for guide dog users. Every week our Tidy Guidy Clean Up Service delivers specially scented, reusable bags that help your guide dog relieve himself or herself. Simply place your dog inside the bag, and the rest is automatic. When the Tidy Guidy Clean Up Service comes the next week, they take away the used bags and deliver fresh ones.
When you and your guide dog are in a cold climate, in a high rise apartment building or hotel, or in an airplane, you will be glad you use our service.
Unfortunately, dogs who are not trained as guide dogs do not have the temperament to use this service. We are now working on a new system for urban horses.
Do you wait a long time in restaurants because you do not make eye contact with the wait person? Do you never get called on in meetings and public forums because you do not make eye contact with the facilitator? Sensory Overload now has the answer for you. Computerized Looks for the Blind handles all the details.
But that's not all. Do you often hear that you don't photograph well because you don't look at the camera? If you buy Computerized Looks for the Blind now, you get the photography module for free. So order now, and say "cheese."
Are you tired of hearing "turn left" and "turn right" from overanxious sighted companions who confuse you by getting it wrong half the time? If you are not assertive enough to make them stop, you need our new aid for dealing with these would-be sighted helpers. Guide Words is a package of brightly colored stickers for your clothing or skin with "left" or "right" printed on them. Put the "left" stickers on your left side and the "right" stickers on your right side. Use enough stickers to make them visible from both front and back. The stickers are labeled in braille so that you can put them on the correct side.
Astute Sensory Overload followers may remember that we sold this product briefly as the Navigator. However, we were forced to stop using that name because of a trademark held by another company.
Many of our customers have complained that too much technology in their lives disrupts their household relationships. To avoid a tragic backlash against the technological progress spearheaded by SOI, we have focused a great deal of energy this year on household harmony.
Many parents of small children have told us that they have a hard time using their adaptive technology products because the children grab them to play with. For example, the responsive keys and the mysterious voice of a Braille 'n Speak are too much for a small child to resist. The struggle over sensory aids devices can create great frustration for both parent and child. To deal with this critical problem, Sensory Overload has created a new line of decoy sensory aids products for children. They will be so delighted to have their own device just like Mommy's or Daddy's that they will not grab the real thing. We now have available: Vert and Ernie, Oscar the Grouchy Scanner, Noah's Arkenstone, Braille 'n Squeak, Jack in the BEX, Donald Duxbury Translator, Mickey Mouse Port, Jimmeny Cricket Speech Synthesizer, BubbleTalk, Peter Cotton Thiel, Teddy 600, Ohtspooky Brailler, Perky Pig, She'll Be Comin' 'Round the Mountbatten Brailler, Eenie Meenie Mynie Modem, Catch a Tiger by the Toshiba, Twinkle Twinkle Little Word Star, and an assortment of Old McDonald E I E I/O cables to connect all of these products together. We are proud to announce that you can see these items featured on upcoming episodes of the television show PC Herman's Playhouse.
Is someone in your life a blind computer nerd? Do you wonder why he or she ignores you? Do you feel that he or she would pay more attention to you if you sounded like the beloved voice synthesizer? After conducting extensive educational research, we at Sensory Overload developed just the solution for you. Sensory Overload is now selling Hooked on Synphonix, a set of training tapes that will have you sounding like synthetic speech in no time at all! If the special someone in your life is a speed demon at the computer, you will appreciate the final lesson, "Talking at Warp Speed."
While the rest of the braille industry is focused on brailling on paper or signs, Sensory Overload does it again with the first ever tombstone embosser--the Ever-Rest Brailler. This high technology product contains a built-in version of the Dux-Burial Grave Two Translator. (At Raised from the Dead Computing, they wish we had used Maggot-Dots instead.) For those with unlimited budgets, there is an optional Automatic Monument Feeder.
The Ever-Rest Brailler will be distributed by TeleCemetery Systems, Inc. Once the use of this product becomes widespread, there will be no more need for the MarkInStone reading machine. [From Aaron Leventhal. The name comes from the Everest Embosser. Others contributed some puns, such as "Maggot-Dots" from Joe Sullivan. This embosser belongs in every embossoleum.]
At Sensory Overload, we asked ourselves the question "What would happen if you put a single dot of a braille cell on a braille notetaker?" Immediately we knew we were onto something! Think of it--with just a mode change, the unit could shift between six dot braille, eight dot braille, and even New York Point. By pressing the spacebar, the reader learns the status of dot 1, then dot 2, then dot 3, then dot 4, then dot 5, then dot 6, then the next cell! The unit has been thoroughly tested by blind prisoners. [From David Holladay. A take on the BrailleMate, which has voice output and one cell of refreshable braille.]
What is the ultimate sensory aids device? The GOLIATH of course! GOLIATH stands for Gadget Only Located In Affluent Techies' Households. The GOLIATH contains the new Pentium processor, 32 megs of RAM, 500 megs of hard disk space, an 80 cell braille display, a braille embosser, and superior voice technology. Achieving all this in a tiny package was not cheap! The unit costs 1.5 million dollars, a bit on the high end of most budgets. We figure if we sell to all the resource centers that buy "one of everything," we will break even. [A take on the David. Warren Figueiredo came up with the phrase that gives "GOLIATH."]
Sensory Overload has been paying attention to the lively discussion among blind persons about the possibility of hearing travel cues while moving through the environment. Sensory Overload has a simple approach.
We have been training small rodents to provide travel cues. In our Gerbil Landmarks system, each furry creature learns how to say one phrase, such as "Gate 17" or "X-Ray Department." The blind travelers do not have to carry any special device. They just have to listen to our training tape to learn how to understand gerbil speech. The general public does not recognize the pleasant noises as speech and is not bothered by them. We invite you to compare our product with the bird-based competition, Squawking Signs. [From Caryn Navy. A take on Verbal Landmarks and Talking Signs.]
At Sensory Overload we heard a plea from blind parents of active young children. They told us that nowadays the playground equipment is much more complicated than it used to be. They want to help their children on the ladders, platforms, and slides of these multi-level contraptions, but sometimes it is hard to figure out which way to climb. So Sensory Overload is introducing PAWS, Playground Access With Sound [A take on JAWS]. Using PAWS is like using a guide dog, but a guide dog that can climb ladders. PAWS beeps to show you the right direction to go next. In addition, PAWS screams "Look out!" when you are in danger of falling or being hit by a swing, sea-saw, ball, head-level obstacle, or anything else. [From Caryn Navy.]
A limitation of conventional reading machines is the inability to scan more than one page at a time. This makes the process of reading an entire book a time-consuming, boring task. Now the new DOG Scan, with its Digitally Organized Guessing, totally eliminates this problem. Using directed X-Ray beams and state-of-the art computing technology (a more advanced version of the CAT scan used in medical applications), an entire book can be read in seconds without opening a single page. With any luck, the book won't be chewed to bits. [From Aaron Leventhal. Grenell Almy suggested that this should also be sold by Barkenstone.]
As always, Sensory Overload uses the facilities of Raised Dot once a year at a time loosely associated with April Fools Day. We welcome this year's creative products from the folks that "do stuff".
Several of our customers who have purchased our braille tombstone embossing software and hardware featured in the previous catalog have grave concerns about changing the braille code. Sensory Overload responds to its customers by proposing and adopting its own Petrified Braille Code. The code is written in stone and cannot be changed. [From Warren Figueiredo.]
SOI's is expanding its line of orientation and mobility aids thanks to Warren F.:
Speed travelers are finding our new Hurricane quite effective. It can generate powerful winds which blow away obstacles quickly and efficiently. Timid travelers take comfort from our Eye of the Storm feature which keeps them safe and sound while inches away, the tempests roar. If you want the whole street to yourself, this is the cane for you!
Are you tired of traveling the same painful route every day? For you we offer the Novacane. You'll wonder how you got there at all!
Many blind friends travel together and when they do it's fun to use our little Cocaine. This tandem device links two or more canes so that everyone is in step.